OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
