"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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