You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
