If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize