I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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