First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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