the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
