i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
