Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
