Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
