Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
