On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
