the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
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I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
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Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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