i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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