Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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