If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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