ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
