chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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