I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
