Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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