Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i permit you to call me
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
