Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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