Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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