Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
