My room smells like vodka and shame
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
