Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
