Someone shit on the floor
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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