im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
