Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
