Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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