its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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