my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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