Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
