So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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