yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
