oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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