Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
