I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
