Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
