There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
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