can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
