I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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