Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
