im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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