he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
