My hand turned me down
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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