mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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