Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
