it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
