i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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