so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
