I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
