Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
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They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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