Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
