i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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