Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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